Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
What a year we’ve had this week.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”