“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Brb my Sims are getting married
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena