My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
You Might Also Like
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.