@illiter8too: Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you're complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
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@darinlovesbacon: My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea. Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
@krakkenlackin: "You are what you eat" I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance