@illiter8too: Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you're complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
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@ericas_twit: Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What's the 25cents for?
@TheWoodenslurpy: [commercial for gymnastics] Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
@XLToast: Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
@AnkCoupleTO: Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul Me: *thinks back to the time I "experimented" in college* I'll take 27 bottles please