Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Mad Max Arctic Road
That’s incredible! 👌
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.