Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
You Might Also Like
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017