Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.