hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room