when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My safe word is Worcestershire
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
This is what makes twitter great
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
6. me as a lawyer
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
When I laugh on my period
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know