Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?