@pixelatedboat: "Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?" I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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@ImHopel3ss: My dealer said he'll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We're gonna watch a movie!
@Robert_Beau: The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.
@sarcasticmommy4: I tried that whole "if you love something, set it free" thing but my kids are still here.
@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!