@pixelatedboat: "Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?" I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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@HatfieldAnne: “His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
@SufficientCharm: *Squatting over cat litter box* Husband: What the fu- Me: THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
@better_off_dad: Playboy: We're going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine! Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?