“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Still a very good boi….
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates