HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You Might Also Like
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating