HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen