Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot