“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.