“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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umm…
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog