“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Me, flirting😏
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes