Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.