[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Snapes on a plane.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me