If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Are you ok, human???
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
This is not me but this is me
Home #decor warning.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.