Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.