Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
This one’s “Alex”.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.