Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane