@thatcarlygirl: Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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@MartaEffing: *runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
@matsmoustache: I don't even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullshit.
@donni: When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it
@Tommytoughstuff: "Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out."