Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.