@thatcarlygirl: Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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@noog: *opens facebook messenger* *sips mtn dew twice* *strokes neckbeard* *begins typing* Sorry abt ur mom dying Tis a shame Btw ur attractive
@omgthatspunny: This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
@causticbob: What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.