Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
That’s fair
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N