@meganyyb: Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
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@DwayneDavidPaul: Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people's revolution.
@QwertyJones3: Doctor: "Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment." *Turns on laser* *Patient's face is attacked by cats*
@abbycohenwl: Mama Bear: Ok but last time Papa Bear: Thanks, babe [she puts on a Goldilocks wig] Mama Bear (falsetto): I can't sleep here! It's toooo hard
@TrueTorontoGirl: Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car? Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.