Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
You Might Also Like
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I have many caverns
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday