Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
You learn something every day
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.