“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think