Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.