@imadepoopstoday: "Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!" - aaaaaaaaand hospital.
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@MartaEffing: I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.
@Mr_Kapowski: I'm that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed
@Brampersandon_: [meeting a girl at the bar] ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I'm brandon GIRL: please let go of my hands