Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
🖤✌🏽
man i love columbo
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.