teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
🖤✌🏽
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags