“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
You Might Also Like
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Nice try, NASA
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄