@briangaar: Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?
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@Eightinchgoat: Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don't do dope, kids.
@BoogTweets: Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there? Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
@DanMentos: [guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine] "Who's president?" Barack Obama "Braco? Sounds Mexican" Nope "Whew" You might want to sit down