Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins