hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.