hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
wtf is a larm clock?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon