Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Single and childfree like Jesus
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out