Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Do not steal food from the science building!
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!