Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
✌🏽
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys