@Storminika: Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a poop collector.
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@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.
@nishadtrivedi: What they're actually saying is "I can't even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]"
@amore_orless: Social media's ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it "Mood"
@GrumpyComments: By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it.