Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.