hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.