hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
i think we should see other cousins
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”