@mean_crow: hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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@UncleDuke1969: My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
@duplicitron: *returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I'm sorry. This just doesn't fit me like I thought it would.
@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no
@UncleDuke1969: Me: C'mon. Dog: No. Me: Let's go. Dog: No. Me: Please? Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!? Me: It's just rain. Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.