hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.