Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that