Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
we’re gonna need another temp
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.