Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key