“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Love is in the air fryer.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.