Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I think I’ll stand
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.