Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
saw this in a dream
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble