Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.