@FilthyRichmond: Our son brought weed to Show & Tell and the teacher sent him home with $50 pinned to his shirt.

@T_N_Crumpets: Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

@glittergirlD43: Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?

@jonnysun: DATE: my eyes are up here ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry