@withanewname: [boarding plane with really old pilot] "think his heart will hold out? lol" attendent: excuse me, sir? "depart out, what time do we leave?"

@WowItsStephen: "I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

@tastefactory: Let's ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife's meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

@PopSlapFunk: *Arrives to save damsel in distress* Me: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your--" Rapunzel: "I have a boyfriend." Dragon flying by: "BURN!!"

@JermHimselfish: Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.